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Below the Beltway

Gene gives a graduation speech

By Gene Weingarten

Sunday, June 24, 2007; Page W36

The following is excerpted from my June 20 graduation address to the Class of 2007 at Heritage High School in Leesburg.

LET ME BEGIN by dismantling a great big fiction about high school commencement addresses. I am supposed to tell you today that you are embarking on a bold, new journey and whatnot. It's in the official graduation speech handbook, page 3, paragraph 9. But here's what you have to realize: A few years from now, when most of you are graduating from college . . . they're going to tell you the same thing.

My point is that the basic, all-purpose high school graduation speech is a lie. It's a lie, because they don't want to tell you the truth, which is that you are embarking on a bold, new journey to explore such things as whether it is physically possible to jam into a dormitory elevator the entire contents of the faculty lounge, including the sectional sofa.

And it's not the first lie you've been told. You've been lied to your whole lives. Remember when you finally got out of diapers and your parents told you that you were now a big boy or a big girl? (Actually, it's amazing that your parents still didn't know whether you were a boy or a girl.) But, the point is that you were not a big boy or a big girl. You were a whining, nose-picking, 3-foot-tall maggot with ears who, by the grace of God, just happened to have finally stopped pooping in your pants. But you were not, by any stretch of the imagination, big.

I should take a moment here to thank the senior class for inviting me to speak, and, in particular, to thank Ms. Gundersen, without whose assistance this never would have happened. When we're through, I'll be passing around a collection basket to augment her severance pay. Please be generous.

Anyway, having been so routinely lied to, it's small wonder that, by this key passage in your life, you have no idea who is lying to you and who is telling you the truth. Thank goodness you have me, your graduation speaker, to clear things up. When you know the truth, however painful it might seem, it loses its power to hurt. So, here goes.

First, your parents don't love you. In fact, they are so crushingly disappointed in you that . . . Wait. Sorry, my bad. That was from a previous speech, to incarcerated serial killers. Your parents do, in fact, love you, and they are proud of you. They are, however, unbelievably thrilled to get you out of the house.

Second, contrary to what you have been told, money is not the root of all evil. Vice President Cheney is the root of all evil.

My third point is allegorical. I want each one of you to look at the classmate to your left and, now, to the classmate to your right. If you happen to be sitting at the end of a row, please turn in your diploma, because you have failed the basic test of graduating seniors, namely, the ability to draw facile inferences from inspection of students to your left and right.

For the rest of you, look at the student to your left and the student to your right. Statistically speaking, only one of the three of you is going to have both a successful career and a happy marriage. Pretty sobering, huh? Well, my advice is that you always remember those students to your left and right, and, at some point during the next few years, at an opportune moment, frame them for a crime. A level playing field is for suckers.

Fourth, I think it's appropriate that I say a word about sex: Yowza!

Boy, it's hard being an inspirational speaker. There's so much social responsibility.

According to the official graduation speech handbook, page 22, paragraph 4, I'm supposed to conclude this speech by telling you something that sounds really profound but doesn't mean a thing. I'm supposed to lower my voice, as best I can, and say something like, "Today is the day after tomorrow's day before yesterday."

Well, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to give you some important, straightforward advice.

You can't ever let anyone tell you that you can't do something.

Of course, in a sense, by telling you that, I'm telling you that you can't do something.

So, in closing, to make myself perfectly clear: Take my advice, and don't listen to me.

Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.

Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon.

2005

Sunday Mar 20, 2005

> It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, 
> but, here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in 
> the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech 
> says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The 
> birch says he cannot tell.
> Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
> "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
> beech or a son of a birch?"
> The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither
> a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
> It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
> Wipe that smile off your face!

Friday Mar 11, 2005 Be careful you MUST think from Ron Meisels [ronmeisels@phases-cycles.com]

Einstein the brainy bird

Friday Jul 25, 2003 Subject: The Lie Cllock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

>St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

>St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

thanks to Rick Sindelar

From: LAUCKNER Melanie 
Sent: Friday, November 29, 2002 
To: NICHOLSON Diana; 


Depressed about being old. Now feel depressed about being modern too!
or working for IATA!

You know you're living in 2002 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses and their number is not in your phone as its
memory was full when you tried to save it last.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to
get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
best jokes.
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries
annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience,
terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest
features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department desperately needs, but they can Afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except
to send you jokes from the net.
25. AND YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO No. 9

see pop Airlines Sold Paint

The only Devorce caused by Sept 11th

Subject: Healthy Level of Insanity

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream, "I won!" "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

    And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Rafferty.

"Top o' the mornin' to ye," said the Father, "Aren't you Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

She replied "Aye, that ye did, Father."

"And be there any wee ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan said.

"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye."

"Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again.

"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," the priest said. "How are ye these days?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said. "Have ye any wee ones yet?"

"Oh, yes, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan replied. "Three sets of twins and four singles -- 10 in all."

"Aye, that's wonderful!" he said. "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said. "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

Rick Sindelar

Sunday Apr 21, 2002

• The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Canadians.
• On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Canadians.
• The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Canadians.
• On the other hand, Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Canadians

Watch Air Farce's Election Night Quick Hit!

Don Newman talks to some of the leaders from the different
parties as election night results start to roll in. (3:20)
| HIGH | MEDIUM | LOW | DOWNLOAD |

Friday, November 9, 2001 Mike from Canmore skits

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

Plus

Thanks to Sam Stein

Humour Home from W-N friends
Tuesday Mar 12, 2002 The Ant and The Grasshopper thanks to Alex Weinstein