Nichols and May | Mike Nichols and Elaine May revolutionized the landscape of American comedy. By perfecting the art of improvisation and introducing it to the public through their appearances in clubs and on television and radio, they forever changed our expectations of comedy, and our sense of humor.
Friday Aug 1, 2008 The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk
George Carlin, the Grammy-Award winning standup comedian and actor who was hailed for his irreverent social commentary, poignant observations of the absurdities of everyday life and language, and groundbreaking routines like “Seven Words You Can Never Use on Television,” died in Los Angeles on June 22, 2008, at the age of 71. Above, Mr. Carlin in 2001.
A Master of Words, Including Some You Can’t Use
George Carlin, who died on Sunday at 71, had a gift for saying — and thinking — things that other people wouldn’t or couldn’t. Stand-up comedy in America is not, for the most part, a long-lived profession. Comics burn out, go stale, lose their edge. Some, like Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor, almost literally consume themselves. Others, like Steve Martin, prudently retire from the stage at the top of their form and then find other things to do. And a few old-timers, like Don Rickles, have turned themselves into living museums, doing a kind of humor that commemorates its own borscht belt roots. George Carlin, who died on Sunday
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FAMOUS LAST (SEVEN) WORDS
The National, CTV News, the Star, the Post, the Citizen, and the Globe (none available online) all go inside with the death of George Carlin, one of America’s most famous and notorious stand-up comedians. Carlin is perhaps still most famous for his “Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television” routine, which got him arrested in 1972 and even landed him before the Supreme Court in 1978 after a radio station broadcast, and those events loom large in today’s coverage. The Citizen runs a piece from the Times of London and the Post goes with a piece from the Bloomberg wire, while the Star - the only paper to put its own reporter on Carlin’s death - fronts the comedian on its Life section, and the Globe keeps its New York Times/Associated Press story to the obituary page. Overall, the papers provide a more unflinching look at Carlin’s troubled personal life, although The National acknowledges that Carlin was on cocaine when he hosted the first-ever Saturday Night Live in 1975. And while most sources happily recount some of Carlin’s lighter-but-still-biting bits, including the Post’s censored version of that infamous list, The National’s portrait is perhaps the one that dives into Carlin’s say-anything attitude most readily: The broadcast even shows a clip in which the anti-establishment icon, referring to the beheadings of military contractors in Iraq, tells prospective contractors to “stay the fuck in Oklahoma.” Carlin died of heart failure at age seventy-one.
Drew Nelles is a Montreal-based MediaScout writer for Maisonneuve Magazine.
Tuesday Mar 25, 2008 Six-word memoirs: short, sweet and tickling funny bones
Let's just declare the winner of this six-word memoir contest right off the top. Stephen Harper's political life in abbreviation? "Vote for me -- or I'll sue."
Before I close, did you hear about the loud Texan who chanced upon a Newfie farmer standing near his potato patch ?
"That your ranch ?" drawled the Texan.
"Yup" replied the Newfie.
"How big is it ?" asked the Texan.
"Just from that stony ridge back to this brook here, but it's all I need for my cow " said the Newfie.
"You call that a ranch ?, exclaimed the Texan, "why my ranch back home is so wide, if I get in my car and drive and drive all day, I won't reach the other side ! "
The Newfie said quietly," I had a car like that once."
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by
ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large
shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less
than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier,
but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane
gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and
the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for
the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any
water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start
the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transit)
which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
Darlings,
At some point when you were home for Christmas, Marc asked if we were not
going to give some parental advice as you strike out on the marital path.
The following dictionary is probably all Marc (or any other married male)
needs.
Lots of love, Moi
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are
right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman
looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel
that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
If you ask her what is wrong and she says "Nothing", this means something
and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the
feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and
backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five
Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet
is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised
eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted
and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome."
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not
to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing."
A British woman who threw her pet iguana at a policeman was convicted Monday of inflicting unnecessary suffering on the lizard but was permitted to keep him.
Susan Wallace, 47, had denied animal cruelty and assault, but admitted damaging a window during a fracas Dec. 1 at a pub on the Isle of Wight, off the south coast of England.
The metre-long iguana, apparently recovered, spent Monday at the Isle of Wight Magistrates' Court in Newport, reclining in a tank as testimony unfolded.
Witnesses said Ms. Wallace known locally as the Lizard Lady was asked to leave the pub after putting the creature, named Igwig, on the shoulders and heads of fellow drinkers.
"The first thing I knew was when one or two of the girls screamed and ran up to the other end of the bar," testified pub doorman John Rosenthal. He said they pointed at Ms. Wallace, who had the animal on her shoulder.
Ms. Wallace then went to the police station at nearby Cowes where she became abusive to officer David Harry and threw the iguana at him. It missed and hit a filing cabinet, falling to the floor.
"She was extremely drunk," the policeman testified.
Ms. Wallace was convicted of two counts of causing unnecessary suffering to the iguana and one count of assault. Sentencing was set for April 2.
Happy Valentine's Day! I am almost sick from trying not to lagh out loud.
Cheers
Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them, and sells you the milk.
Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and
you share the milk.
Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both and
denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.
Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. another 2 cows deal
Thursday Dec 20, 2001 Science is a bag of laughs bbc
Q - You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?
A - Absolutely! What's the second question?
see www.laughlab.co.uk bbc
Whiskey Cake
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whiskey
Sample the whiskey and check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the very highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one spoontea of sugar and beat again. Make sure whiskey is still OK. Have ‘nuther cup. Turn of moxer. Break two leggs and add to bowl. Chuck in dup of dried fruit. Take out cup. Mix on the turner. Sample whiskey again to check for onsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, sugar, or something, who cares? Check whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one tooblespoon of brown, white, black sugar, or whatever colour you can find. Wix mel. Grease to oven. Turn the cake pan to 350 gredees. Slide into oven. Get out of oven. Don not forget to beat off the turner. Throw bowl out of window, check last of whiskey and go to bed.
HOPPY DOLIHAYS! Marie Cormier [vdlanse@videotron.ca]
Here's some refreshing news:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer
drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition
depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to
Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women, while
pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost.
Thanks to: Sabra B. Ledent [sbledent@sprint.ca]
The following questions and answers were collated from actual British
GCSE exams. (16 year olds)
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.
Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
Thnks to Sandra Sizer Moore
Hallo dear (scattered) family and friends,
As you probably know by now, on principle I rarely forward e-mails. However,
I thought this one was worth an exception to my rule.
Love Pamela Stuart-Mills Hoch [pssm10@hotmail.com]
NEW LANGUAGE
Submitted by PATRICIA L GOONETILLEKE
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby Englis will
be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Governmentconceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1
less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they
should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o"
kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!
Subject: computers are from Mars..
This one is just in...for those of you who've EVER had a problem with your
computer...
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine
or feminine.
"House" is feminine -- "la maison."
"Pencil" is masculine -- "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups
-- male and female -- and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer") because:
In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won. Thanks to Me Marie Cormier
Man! DAMN, IT MUST BE GREAT TO BE A MAN!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can
still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without "me".
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives,
on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Damn, It must Great to Be a Man!
Thanks to Andre Saumier - PIAP [piap@fpt.vn] NOT MY INVENTION
History Lesson
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, " You little shit if you ever
say anything else I will have you killed."
Suzuki is frantic and yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted.
a sultan
Some years ago, a sultan was becoming angry as he had six children, all
girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of
his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side
and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get
for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not
wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American
Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one
side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for
you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do
anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one
side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I
shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney
Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one
side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall
get for you."
His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons,
replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Nortel.
Microsoft Word: If you have a Microsoft mouse with the scroll wheel, turn the wheel while pressing Ctrl. Doing so smoothly magnifies or reduces the type in the document you're reading.
BBC
Click here to watch Spike Milligan![[Version en français]](images/fr.gif){kind=small}
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